You know when you’re driving on 95 south at 7am and everything just seems terrible? You are trying to merge out of the on ramp but some douche in a semi won’t let you over… the sun is perfectly placed on the horizon so that its rays are trying to blind you (sunglasses or no sunglasses (I call this “super-sun”))… and your coffee is still too hot to drink but you tried and now have a burnt tongue… everything sucks. Right has your about to turn up the volume so you can hear Billy’s News, some asshole in a minivan cuts you off.
Now I’m not saying that everyone who drives a minivan is an asshole. I drive a 12 year old station wagon, so that is basically the same thing. But there is a new breed of minivan that is emerging. This particular kind of minivan has been taking the roads by storm. This new minivan has those ridiculous family stickers and we need to put an end to this.
Bumper stickers are great. They are like buttons but for the ass of your car. They are a way for people to know what you like/care about. Small town politics, world peace, breaking for turtles, dolphin abortions… anything goes. But there is something about the family stickers that make me want to scream.
Upon conceptualizing this entry, I did a little research. I went on The Google and searched for these stickers. 22,100,000 results. You have got to be kidding me. How many companies are making these stickers? And there are hundreds of varieties. Stick figures, mom and dad rocking their alumni garb, kicks playing their sport, different sized flip flops, pets… this is ridiculous. These stickers are the 2011 version of those ”Baby on Board” signs. Those still make me angry. They are supposed to let others know that you are driving like Betty White because you are transporting a newborn. Oh, sorry, I was going to slam into the back of your car but I won’t because you have a baby in your car.
The minivan that recently cut me off had an obnoxious family sticker. It was the mother, father, two boys and a girl. Not too bad? Wait for it… mom and dad were in a motorboat and the children were WATERSKIING. What the what? How did they settle on this design? “This one! I like this one!” says the mother. “Yes! I think is represents us well” says father. “We are fun and adventurous and don’t give a shit about our kids’ safety because we have a boat. Hell yeah boats!” says mother and then they high five.
I have even seen family stickers where each members name is below their character. Haven’t these people seen Dexter? Trinity, I mean Arthur Mitchell, knew the boy’s name because he saw the sticker on the back of his parents minivan (s4 ep10). This is just asking someone to abduct your child/pet. Providing the names also give people like me a more personal way to yell at you for driving like a dick. “Fuck you, Arnold!” “Move over, Patty!” Adding someone’s name really gives it that extra punch. There was this woman who used to park on my street. She drove a small sedan, a Ford or something, and on her rear windshield she had a lady holding a glass and three cats. Three. She has no shame. This lady does not drive a minivan for obvious reasons. She was probably on her second bottle of chardonnay when she had this stroke of genius. What better way to tell the world that you love being single?
I’m sure you are probably thinking that I’m a bitch. And that’s okay with me. Maybe someone you know has these stickers. Please ask them why. Please help me put an end to this epidemic. Me must work together to stop family stickers. One Dodge Caravan at a time.